Love is so much more than feelings of attraction and a well-meaning commitment in marriage. Most people have great intentions but don't realize that life will bring them some real challenges. Your future spouse may appear to have it together but emotional and spiritual stamina takes some depth of character. Keep in mind, just like yourself, nobody is perfect. You may have a gem that has great potential if you are a healthy spouse.
After the
honeymoon is over, difficult times require vulnerable yet respectful communication and selfless listening. A lifelong commitment is a great opportunity for personal development and inner healing. But
for people raised with little emotional nurture and healthy expression, deeper levels of healthy intimacy pose a threat. Moving past the unknown can be the crucible of whether a marriage begins to fail or grows stronger.
The Fear Foundation
What are some beginning signs of emotional separation? Let's say you gently bring up a concern of something you've observed. You may be faced with defensiveness, denial and blame which can make you feel hopeless and even crazy. The way some people cope with their inner conflict is to become more self-focused as they remain as a child in need of emotional nurture. Their inner self is emotionally immature. They can't give what they haven't experienced from the heart. In order to meet this inner need or protect themselves from further emotional stress, they may start to self-medicate, become addicted to substances, habits or even admirable distractions.
If these are signs already, they need some inner healing. Note: You are called to be a spouse, not a parent or therapist or the Holy Spirit!!
There are those that hide in a false persona to keep people from knowing their delicate inner self. You may have overlooked the signs of a more chronic case of self-focus. Socially they may depend on performance, they can become chameleonic, be very charming at first with actions, yet they have little to give authentically from their heart. Before you know it, they become emotionally distant. You feel alienated. They are more concerned about their image and not really concerned about your feelings. Check into the signs of narcissism. If you are not equipped to manage this kind well, you may be at the verge of losing your identity, your possessions and your mind.
The Trust Foundation
The foundation of all relationships is built on a level of trust, which is different for all of us. We each trust in what we think is love, often relative to our family dynamics and how we’ve experienced them. Some were emotionally neglected and abused children, yet define love in the measure they are familiar with. To make up for that, they may seek affirmation in things they do in an attempt to make up for being celebrated for who they are. Doing instead of being is the beginning of dissociation from the true self and your spouse. You both have to be real with yourself and one another.
What are some beginning signs of emotional separation? Let's say you gently bring up a concern of something you've observed. You may be faced with defensiveness, denial and blame which can make you feel hopeless and even crazy. The way some people cope with their inner conflict is to become more self-focused as they remain as a child in need of emotional nurture. Their inner self is emotionally immature. They can't give what they haven't experienced from the heart. In order to meet this inner need or protect themselves from further emotional stress, they may start to self-medicate, become addicted to substances, habits or even admirable distractions.
If these are signs already, they need some inner healing. Note: You are called to be a spouse, not a parent or therapist or the Holy Spirit!!
There are those that hide in a false persona to keep people from knowing their delicate inner self. You may have overlooked the signs of a more chronic case of self-focus. Socially they may depend on performance, they can become chameleonic, be very charming at first with actions, yet they have little to give authentically from their heart. Before you know it, they become emotionally distant. You feel alienated. They are more concerned about their image and not really concerned about your feelings. Check into the signs of narcissism. If you are not equipped to manage this kind well, you may be at the verge of losing your identity, your possessions and your mind.
If you are choosing to move forward or are in relationship with a person with narcissistic symptoms, it helps to get informed about what's going on with them. Fear of healthy emotional intimacy has caused them to abandon their core essence to survive in whatever method their ego wants to portray. Their own wounded child remains as emotionally immature as it was left in from childhood. Psychology calls this arrested development. Their true core identity isn't yet willing to trust another deeply, so they remain in full control with their ego self. Deep down they fear vulnerability, so they may not connect with you on levels you desire. It's uncharted territory for them. It's as if they are a partial person. They need to experience the perfect love of God to become whole.
...but when the perfect comes, the partial will be done away. When I was a child I used to speak like a child, think like a child, reason like a child; when I became a man I put away childish things. 1 Corinthians 13:10-11 NIV.
Arrested emotional development is the result of shutting down the true self for survival sake, (in my words). Self-abandonment is similar. The real person is stunted but the ego self portrays a false identity. It’s like they become a partial person. We all do this at times, but the longer a brain functions this way, the harder it is to change these patterns. The brain begins to believe its own lies to avoid exposure. Their self- abandoned child has not yet learned to share their life with another at that level. This is a sad and lonely place for the one who wants to connect with them. You will need to use boundaries for them to learn empathy. Apart from a divine encounter, some are incapable of this, but can learn skills that make them easier to live with.
The Love Foundation
All of us can be ourselves in an environment of safety and love. We then allow our spirit, soul and body to come into agreement without internal conflict. We can then be authentic, secure and more
complete. We are able to connect without the threat of losing ourselves to
another person’s control. We can then be vulnerable enough to explore
uncharted experiences as a couple on an exciting adventure. If two people have this, just imagine how together you could make a greater difference.
Before entering a life-long commitment in marriage, be sure to know your significance and discover who you really are through God's perfect love. He completes us in a way that no human can because "perfect love removes all fear." (1 John 4:18)
If you would like help with your relational or personal journey, I’d be happy to come alongside you. I myself have
walked this road and share it in my book. For more about me and my services, visit: http://www.recoveredessence.com/home.html
© Christine Wilson Is it Love or Trouble? 2016
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